The Sovereign State of Pants attacked by Rogue Nation of Orange Juice

-Submitted, with Love, By Simcha Feldman

I am so glad Dave has created a great forum in which this story can be told, since it happened so recently. It all began one morning at the annual Yeshiva University National Model United Nations conference (YUNMUN), which began on Super Bowl Sunday. As a result of the scheduling, the sessions ended early and we, the staff/college students, stayed up late doing what college students do best…procrastinate sleep for no good reason. The next morning, no one was in any mood or physical shape to act like professional, but act we had to. Our noble Dave walked into breakfast looking pooped and with his mind elsewhere.

I arrived into the Breakfast hall that fateful morning with my plate full of Danishes (mmmmmmmm…..Danish) and a cup of hot chocolate. As I sat down, I took my cell phone out of my pocket, since it was bothering me, and placed it on the table. I continued to enjoy my breakfast and talk with the guys around the table about the ridiculously long day ahead of us. Finally, when Dave strolled in to eat his breakfast, he sat down at the table right next to mine, carrying a muffin and a cup of orange juice. At this point, my table began to clear and I made my way over to keep Dave some company. In my right hand was my last remaining Danish and in my left was my hot chocolate.

As Dave continued on with his breakfast, he got thirsty and began to open his little sealed plastic cup of Orange Juice. As a note, the orange juice came in a little plastic container with a tightly sealed aluminum foil on top, much like the cups of water one gets with a kosher meal on an airplane. As he opened the orange juice, Dave was not really paying any attention and foil ripped quickly with his hand causing some of the orange juice to squirt out of its container and attack its attempted drinker. Dudie Silberman, who was also sitting at the table, and I began to laugh at this funny moment until Dave looked down and with a look of dismay, and groaned at the current situation. The orange juice had hit his tie, but that was only the beginning. Some of the orange juice had landed all over his pants while painfully embarrassing accuracy. Normally, this wouldn’t much matter, but Dave was wearing his lightly colored suit and this stain was both very incriminating and embarrassing for poor old Dave. As Dudie and I continued to laugh at now this very funny moment, we began to contemplate what we could do to try and allow Dave to save some face. Our best idea was to have Dave button his jacket and we would quickly walk him back to his room where he could put some water on his pants and then blow dry them and thus remove any evidence of this story.

We got up from our table and we were about to walk out when I realized my phone was not in my pocket. I looked down at the table and began to panic. I looked over at my original table and still no cell phone. I looked everywhere I could imagine it could have been in the dinning room and I couldn’t find it.

Later that day, the YUNMUN paper was passed around with a fond recap of that morning’s events, written by non other than Dave himself. Titled, “The Sovereign State of Pants attacked by Rogue Nation of Orange Juice” students were notified that at 7:45 a.m. in a violent and unprovoked incident, Orange Juice attacked Dave’s pants with “deadly” results.

My phone was never recovered, but I’m told that since Dave turned out OK, as the chaos theory might state, something bad had to happen to somebody at that table that morning, I’m just glad it was nothing worse.